I remember not wanting to be alive anymore.

My mental health journey is a bit of a blur now. I remember the revolving door of anxiety, nightmares, and numbness swinging me from day to day. I remember it being hard to muster excitement for the present or the future when my past felt so heavy. I remember not wanting to be alive anymore.

I know my journey began with the death of my mom, Nicola, when I was 13. She died of cancer. That relationship was complicated, but I cherish the memories of how my mother tried to show that she loved me while she battled her own mind and health.

When my mom passed, my dad became my primary caretaker. Our relationship was strained due to inconsistent engagement and my dad’s abuse and neglect. The lack of control in my life led to disordered eating, something I still struggle with today.

It wasn’t until I moved away, went to college, and acknowledged that I needed help at my school’s counseling center that I was able to relieve some of the heaviness of my past and live for myself in the now. Today, I work in the mental health field and advocate for myself and others.

I still struggle, but I know now it can get better.

- Janae Garner-Kelley, Prevention Coordinator at Alliance for Substance Abuse Progress